Lately, an unidentified Walmart deli worker with an awesome sense of humor has been leaving notes from “Management” for “Shane.” The scolding comments are written on the whiteboard in the back room and reveal what a hilariously asinine employee Shane is.
Now, Shane is almost certainly imaginary, but that doesn’t keep what are now being called “Shaneisms” on Reddit from being hilarious.
Here are the original 12 Shaneisms followed by more that commenters at Reddit are supplying from their own imaginations and perhaps real-life experience…
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Shane, we encourage associates to dress up for Halloween but saying you’re going as the invisible man and then not showing up is unacceptable. – Management
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Shane, stop trying to convince customers that they need to come to at least two meetings and pay dues to buy a club sandwich. -Management
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Shane, stop taking photos of customers whenever they order “cheese.” – Management
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Shane, stop winking at customers when you ask them what type of meat they’d like. – Management
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Shane, stop referring to the tortillas as “edible Mexican plates.” – Management
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Shane, please allow both adults and kids to buy Trix cereal. – Management
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Shane, please stop putting mirrors in the self checkout area. – Management
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Shane, please stop telling the customers that the baby oil is made from fresh babies. – Management
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Shane, please remove the puppy from the “Asian Pork” tray in the display case. – Management
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Shane, stop placing the rice, sauerkraut, and spaghetti sauce on display and calling it “The Axis Powers Lunch Deal.” – Management
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Shane, we offer thick and thin-cut deli meat ONLY. Do not ask customers if they would prefer it “uncut.” – Management
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Shane, it is not appropriate to greet the customers by saying “You’re not a cop, are you?” – Management
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Shane, the intercom is not an opportunity for you to “get something off your chest” – Management
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Shane, stop bringing in dead bats and trying to sell them as “Chicken of the Cave.” – Management
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Shane, it is not acceptable to take your break during the first 15 minutes of your shift. You will be considered late from now on. – Management
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Shane, you are not a qualified First Responder nor is it necessary for you to give mouth-to-mouth to the whole fish in the seafood section. – Management
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Shane, stop using the intercom to say “Only you can hear me.” – Management
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Shane, you need to stop putting strips of bacon in the middle of the tofu packages. – Management
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Shane, please stop telling customers you can have one of the kitchen vendors smuggle in lip gloss or pantyhose in exchange for certain “favors.” This is not a women’s prison. – Management
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Shane, please stop drawing maps on the backs of customers’ hands when they ask where to find something. – Management
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Shane, please stop greeting African American customers with “You cool?” – Management
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Shane, stop putting the chicken nuggets in egg cartons marked “Free Range.” – Management
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Shane, when asked why we don’t carry a product, do not respond by saying “The Dutch.” – Management
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Shane, stop playing “Circle of Life” whenever you see someone pick up their child. – Management